The Thoughts of UnNamed Elven Archer No 27
by ForeverFaramir
Summary: Like the title suggests. The thoughts of Un-named Elven Archer no. 27 on the wall during the Battle for Helm's Deep. Humour fic. Rated PG for some swear words


Summary: The thoughts of un-named Elven Archer number 27 on the wall during the Battle of Helms Deep.

PG because of some swear words. Not a lot. Just one or two. Rating just to be safe.

Movieverse.

Humour.

Disclaimer: I don't own. Never have, never will.

This " " denotes the thoughts of the Archer.

This ; ;denotes thoughts of Lady Galadriel.

This - - denotes thoughts of Lord Elrond.

This : : denotes thoughts of Haldir.

This denotes thoughts of Legolas.

X X X X X

"Not fair, not fair, not fair.

I shouldn't be here! I should be on the way to the Grey Havens! I was even halfway packed. Then the world of men had to go and have themselves an impending massacre.

Stupid men.

I mean, I could be on my way to the Grey Havens to live forever on the white shores and beyond, but nooooo. No I had to get ordered here. Just because I'm the greatest archer that had ever been…"

He he he.

"Stop laughing Legolas. Don't stop me mid-rant. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, just cos I'm so brilliant I have to get dragged out of my rooms in Lothlorien and frog marched for a week all the way to a tiny, dirty corner of Rohan to give a bit of help to the hopelessly inept people of Rohan. Oh yeah, that's fair. I'm never going to get the dirt off my boots.

Trust Galadriel and Elrond to make this decision, and not be here themselves! And they leave Haldir in charge!! How stupid are they?

Stupid Galadriel.

Stupid Elrond.

Stupid Haldir."

; Hey! ;

-Ok, that hurts. Now I'm hurt. –

: Idiot. Elves are telepathic you know, or have you forgotten that little fact, you twit? :

"Oops. Sorry my Lady. Forgive me Lord Elrond. Sorry Haldir."

; Whatever. I'm going to go look all ethereal and stuff by my mirror. (goes off in a huff) ;

-Great. Now you've pissed off Galadriel. Now we'll have to listen to her whining for the next three thousand years. Terrific. Thanks a bunch. –

: You really are an idiot, aren't you? Look, whatever, just don't forget you are shooting AT the Urk-hai, not behind you. Remember what happened two hundred years ago when got the arrow cocked the wrong way? I had a limp for a decade! Now, the Urk-hai are the big, ugly mo fo's looking all tough and menacing below. Shoot at them, not your fellow Elves! :

"Geez, you make one little mistake a few hundred years ago and…"

: What was that? :

"Nothing Haldir."

"Whatever. Just shut up thinking. I have to concentrate on looking all tough yet gorgeous for the cameras. :

"Show off. Wait! What was that? Was that rain? Oh, abso-fuckin-loutley brilliant. Rain. It'll turn my hair to frizz in five minutes flat! And it took me three hours to get it all straight and shiny.

Note to self: Don't forget to pack the GHD Hair Straightner when I'm going to the Grey Havens. I can't spend eternity looking like a wild-man of the mountains, can I?

Shit. I can feel my hair frizzing up. That conditioner that Legolas sold me isn't working!"

Ha ha! Sucker.

"Bastard! It cost me a fortune and all."

There's one born every minute.

"Legolas, I hope you're leg gets chewed off by rabid dwarves!"

sigh. I wish. Unfortunately, Gimli doesn't see me that way.

"Oookkkaayy. That's kinda scary. I'm going to go look over here now. Sheesh. Mirkwood elves. You never know what's going on in their minds.

That Aragron guy is going on about showing them no mercy. Don't worry. I won't. I'm an animal! I'm a killing mach… ow!

Shit. I broke a nail. That hurt!!

Ok. Here's where the fun begins.

Valar, that arrow almost got me! Ok! Now you've gone and made me mad!

Grr!

Take that you smelly beast. And that! And that! And…

Ow. My stomach! Gods that hurts.

I don't get it. They said it wouldn't hurt. That if we got shot with an arrow, it would kill us quick and wouldn't hurt.

They lied. The bastards!! I swear to the Valar, I'm SO going to haunt them for all eternity.

The light is dimming.

Wait. Wait a minute. It's night time. That's why there is no light. Duh!

I can't feel the rain any more. Good. Maybe, I can salvage my hair.

Ok, some stellar last words. I lived free, I die fr.. Hey, get off my hair!! Jeez! Just cos he's fighting for his life he thinks he can step on my hair.

Typical man

Stupid Aragorn.

You know what? It's really not fair.

It's not fair.

It's not f…"

X X X X X X

Ok, so what do you think? Funny or not?

If you like it, I think I'll do 'The Thoughts of Un-named Urk-hai Number 1258'

Were the thoughts confusing? Let me know.

R & R please


End file.
